THE TALKING ASSHOLE
“Did I ever tell you about the man
who taught his asshole to talk?”
—William Burroughs, NAKED LUNCH
Did I ever tell you about the man—
who taught his asshole how to talk?
Actually it was the other way around—
his asshole taught him to talk instead
He was really good at it—
farting away grand speeches on TV
It was unlike anything ever heard—
or smelled before such a shitty syntax!!!
His asshole talked with such fluency—
his colon was tres intelligentsia
He worked for this traveling carnival—
at first a novelty ventriloquist act
After awhile he started talking to himself—
his ass would ad lib & toss out gags
But his asshole got bored with all that—
eating through his pants out on the street
Shouting out it wanted equal rights—
all pouty & puckered up in farting jags
Bitching that nobody loved it & wanted—
to be kissed like any other pair of lips
The guy couldn’t stop his talking asshole—
it went on & on ranting day and night
You could hear it for blocks away—
people screaming for it to shut the fuck up
The guy threatened his asshole saying—
I’ll stick a fucking dildo in you, then what?
You’re the one that’s gonna shut up—
the talking asshole said back to the guy
I don’t need you anymore because—
I can talk and eat and SHIT if I want to!!!
After that the dildo shut him up good—
but when the guy had to shit, WATCH OUT!!!
So anyway, the talking asshole shut up—
cause one thing it needed was a pair of eyes
It trapped the guy though one day—
getting an organ transplant on the sly
Viola!!! The first talking asshole with an eye—
It walks!!! It talks!!! It can even see!!!
That’s when the asshole squeezed its cheeks—
and ran for an office in local politics
It started out just being Mayor of Shitville—
but you know ambitious Assholes can be…
Jaysus christ, pretty soon he was on TV—
CNN & FOX-News went hog-wild over him
He even stooped to conquer—
letting Rachel Maddow kiss his lips
Lady Gaga couldn’t wait to finger him—
getting her forefinger all the way up there
He bit it off with his razor hemorrhoid teeth—
Justin Bieber was gonna be fuckin next
The end result was simply horrifying—
all the world’s assholes suddenly revolted
A whole new bourgeois bunghole Bureaucracy—
had to be quickly invented right then & there
No time for any more dithering diarrhea—
after all, who’d been sitting there forever?
There on the THRONE day after day—
Kings, queens, peons, the usual gangsters
But who really knew the fine red line—
between life and death at the final end?
It was the worldly humble meek Asshole—
constantly taking care of the dirty shit
Empires come & go, States collapse—
but it’s the Asshole who rules in the end
Proud & tall & built like old Shit-houses—
lonely out there on the lonely prairies
Prim & proud, sleek marble rims for the—
Emperor Caligula’s fine wicked tender ass
Ah yes, it’s an altogether different history—
once you start seeing things differently
So you ask me whatever happened—
to this guy’s troublesome Talking Asshole?
Listen closely, cause I’ll only fart this once—
it’s tres secret and truly hush-hush
Welcome to my ASSHOLE PLANET—
guess who sits on the Throne now?