Latter Dayz



Christian Markelli: This is me not talking to you. 

[This is the story about me falling in love with a young Mormon guy. Him and his buddies moved into my apartment house here in SF. It was love at first sight.]

[joking around with Christian] 

Elder Aaron Davis: Dude, you're way too easy. 

Christian Markelli: [seductively] So I've heard. 

Elder Aaron Davis: Well, I'm already going to hell for kissing you so I may as well take the scenic route. 

Christian Markelli: I don't believe in coincidence. These days, I believe in miracles. 

Elder Aaron Davis: Well, here it is. [pulls it out] You want a miracle—well, here it is. Some nice virgin Grade-A Mormon Utah dick. C’mon, suck it.

Elder Aaron Davis: Oh, honey. Thank you Heaven!!!

Elder Aaron Davis: Yeah. Yeah, I'm just some doodah pudknocker Prick from Pocatello. They ship us here from Dick Island. 

Elder Aaron Davis: C’mon don’t be so retarded will you? You found me out, all right? My worst secret. Now I'm humiliated so get to work. Do me, man, and do me quick.

Christian Markelli: Wait, I don't think you're a dick.

Elder Aaron Davis: Shut up. I don’t care how ridiculous it looks, I need it bad, right away. 

Christian Markelli: Don't you believe in anything? 

Elder Aaron Davis: Yeah! Getting off.

Christian Markelli: [sucks him off]

Elder Aaron Davis: Now then, tell me! You tell me one thing in your life beyond a shadow of a doubt that you really believe. 

Christian Markelli: I believe Lady Gaga has never been given her due as an actress. 

Elder Aaron Davis: Duh, what the fuck, I mean didn’t you see her when she was doing “Alejandro”…

[catching himself] 

Elder Aaron Davis: Man, cocksucking isn’t something you can build your life on!! Look at yourself! You're so pretty and colorful on the outside, but inside you're nothing but a swishy Fag!!! You're like... You're nothing but a walking, talking, swishing, faggoty Perp!!!

Christian Markelli: That's not fair. 

Elder Aaron Davis: It doesn't matter whether it’s fair or not. I can't believe I let you do me when there’s nothing, Christian, nothing about you that's not skin-deep. 


[voiceover monologue from heaven] 

God: Sometimes it all seems to be like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, the humans feel like they're all disconnected. And it's crummy... and awfully sad... that’s why I want Mormons to practice Bigamy. I want Mormon men to have lotsa wives to keep them busy and happy with their miserable godforsaken crummy Utah existence. That way they’ll Praise and Adore me…and not Stray from the Golden Tablet’s Sacred Path of Redemption!!!

Christian Markelli: [laughing] Not again. 

Elder Aaron Davis: C’mon, dude. Do me again… I need a revelation, baby. Help me get off so I can have a juicy fucking Vision!!!

Christian Markelli: You want revelations engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven. What if it’s just a blowjob you need instead? Maybe even me telling you I love you, right here in bed? I think that’s pretty miraculous, don’t you think?

Elder Aaron Davis: God, I hate wise-ass faggots.

Christian Markelli: I gave you a blowjob. How can you just shrug it off like it was nothing?

Elder Aaron Davis: It's not my choice. We Mormons live in a Home of Shame!!! We live a Life of Fear!!! We’re afraid of being Excommunicated!!!

Christian Markelli: For just a blowjob?

Elder Aaron Davis: You wouldn't understand. 

Christian Markelli: Jeez Lueez, wait till I give you a rim-job!!!

Elder Aaron Davis: I’m not good for you. I’m just a guy you can’t have. You don’t know how bad us Mormon men really are.

[Aaron laughs] 

Elder Aaron Davis: In the light of our abnormal and abominable state of mind, we Mormons refuse to see that we've been duped into a hogwash alternative lifestyle – the Mormon Church. We wish our shame was enough for just us, but we’re such Mormon sex maniacs that Bigamy has become our Religion. Not to mention our shame, the shame we’ve brought to our many wives, our many children, to the Great Smith as well as to the sacred Golden Tablets!!! 

Christian Markelli: Wait a minute, the Golden Tablets?

Elder Aaron Davis: Yeah, we just discovered them. A UFO landed in the Beltway right before the election. Out popped an Alien who dropped the Golden Tablets live on CNN and FOX-News!!!

Christian Markelli: What about queer Mormons?

Elder Aaron Davis: We don’t hate queers. That’s just a big Media façade to butch it up. Some of the highest Mormons in our Church Hierarchy are fags. And they’ve got huge concubine families with lotsa homosexual wives. Dig it, it’s the Truth!!!

Christian Markelli: I’m SHOCKED!!! Simply FUCKING SHOCKED!!! What’s the World coming to???

Elder Aaron Davis: Yeah, I'd say us Mormons really live the original definition of ALTERNATE LIFESTYLE. 

Christian Markelli: That’s okay Aaron. As long as I’m your only wife….

Elder Aaron Davis: But what if you're not? Huh? What if everything in my entire pathetic life, which I happen to hate, has led to this point right now? What if, what if there’s no blinding light in the middle of the road that, that strikes me like the guy in The Bible? That I can’t help myself? What if I’m addicted to Bigamy, baby? And I need a dozen guys all the time to satisfy my miserable so-called life?

Christian Markelli: Yeah, like who?

Elder Aaron Davis: See what I mean?

Christian Markelli: Yeah. But what if I can change all that? No more big time Bigamy for you? You know, just a one-man Mormon Show with only one guy?

Elder Aaron Davis: You have no idea what I'd be giving up. 

Christian Markelli: Dammit! What’s wrong with you? You want lotsa guys engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven? What if this is it instead? Me telling you I love you. Right here — in bed?

Elder Aaron Davis: Forget it. Don’t try to snow-job me. You can pretend all you want to… but Mormon men never change.

[Christian walks to the door, but it won't open] 

Christian Markelli: God, I hate Mormon guys!!! 

[Aaron grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss] 

Christian Markelli: [in an English accent] Could be worse, could be raining.

Elder Aaron Davis: That's Young Frankenstein. 

Christian Markelli: Mother!!! Blood!!! Mother!!!

Elder Aaron Davis: [confused for a while, then gets it] Psycho, that's Psycho, right? She goes a bit mad sometimes. We all go a bit mad sometimes.

God: [Nothing’s so bad that you can't add a little guilt to it and make it worse; and there's nothing so good you can't add guilt to it and make it better. Guilt distracts these humans from a greater truth: that they have an inherent ability to heal. They seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak. 

God: Hmmmm. Practice.

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