Friday, April 23, 2010

Queen for a Day

Busy Hollywood and dizzy La La Land—they're simply abuzz with grandiose rumors about the forthcoming Celebrity Coming Out Party of Somebody Famous soon!!! Like May 5th!!!

Lady GaGa and Ricky Martin have filled the Hollywood Confidential Headlines and Blogosphere Rumor Mills—bathing in the gossip and glow of Rich and Famous Glamour as Major Choice Contenders elbow each other to become the next “Out of the Closet Infamous Queen for a Day!!!”

Hollywood Babylon Celebrities have been bouncing in & out of the Celluloid Closet—faster than a Mexican Jumping Bean Contest during a LA Gang War for The Latest Our Lady of Guadalupe Debutante Shootout!!!

Who will be this Surprise Gong Show Infamous Coming Out Queen Bee? Oprah? Johnny Weir? Ann Coulter? Queen Latifah? Scott Baio? Tiger Woods? Mitt Romney? Barbara Bush? Pope Ratzinger? That Palin Kid? C’mon please, Inquiring Dirty Minds Want to Know!!! And Pronto—Kimosabe!!!

Hushed, puffy Botux lips whispering and fluttering up and down Hollywood and Sunset Boulevard—old has-been Norma Desmond types vying for the Big Spotlight and Mister DeMille’s Close-Up Shot!!! Never has anything like this happened— Hollywood’s Greatest Coming Out Party. There's even some celebrity commotion going on down there in Forest Lawn!!!

Scandalous Rumors are leaking from all the "Usual Suspect" LA and Vatican sources—as well as the dark nightclubs of Rome over who'll be the new Gigolo Kept Man of “The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone.” Will the lucky one Luxuriate in the Opulent Splendor and sullen Badboy Bedrooms of the lovely luscious Castel Gandolfo???

Beltway Palms are being Greased—and Dirty Deals are being made. Loathsome Liar’s Loans are being stuffed back in the closet—dreadful droll derivatives are dribbling out of the Boardrooms into the Back Alleys and Greedy Gutters of the Rich and Famous!!! Whole Industries and Balkan Countries—are going down the Drain. Quick!!! Hollywood Save Us!!! Distract Us—from our Dreary Doom!!!

Even Arnold “I’ll Be Back” Schwarzenegger has got in on the act—with his fading “Governator” Spotlight beginning to fade along with his Bankrupt Fa├žade and Moldering Matinee Marquee. As his State of California continues—slipping and sliding offshore down into the skuzzy depths of the Pacific Ocean.

But the Real News is—the Latest Scoop slithering now amongst the Fading Chicken Cognoscente of Hollywood Babylon’s Botux-Lipped Bad Boy Crowd. Yes, it has to do with Pouty Pretty Boy Ryan Phillippe—and his recent rather smirky Saturday Night Live appearance last weekend.

Phillippe’s loyal Mob of Fanatic Fans—with their Louche Love for Old “Teen Beat” Heartthrobs Outta the Past. Yes, they’re all atwitter about Phillippe’s Sat Night Live appearance as the smarmy HipHop Bad Boy—oozing Handsome Homeboy Hauteur. With that same old Botux-Pouty Put-Upon Bad Attitude—and those “Um, Um, Good—Milk Chocolate-Smeared Cruel Cinematic Lips…

The Rumor is that this insolent Idol of such flatulent Teen Fiascos as “Nowhere,” “Little Boy Blue,” “White Squall,” “I Saw What You Did,” “Club 53,” “Gosford Park,” “Cruel Intentions,” “Igby Goes Down,” & “The Bang Bang Club”—desperately wants according to local Hollywood Gossip queens a Flaming Sexy “Outing Out of the Closet” to get even with his ex for dumping him 4 years ago.

After all, my dears, there’s nothing’s worse than a Male Movie Star Pretty Boy Scorned—and there are so many of them in this desultory, disenchanting, dumpy City of Lost Angels, as we all know so well.

What better way to get even for such an Affront to our Little Boy Blue’s Muy Macho Masculinity and what better way to Blow the Minds of all his Teeny Bopper-Aging Baby Boomer Devotees—than with the Delirious Possibility that their Famous Cute Bad Boy Gone Worse has gone Bad Even Worse than their Worst Tacky Nightmares Could Dream Up?

That Luscious Bod and Pouty Lips—at the Mercy of Millions of Lubrugrious, Rubber-Lipped, Famished Fans!!! Surely it’s the End of the World!!! Apocalypse Now and Forever Yours!!!

Not since the tragic demise of Valentino and James Dean have the Dirty Streets, Alleys, Sewers and Rotting Suburbs of every Major American City—flowed with such awful Tears of Love Gone Bad!!!

And never have those Blessed Silent Tainted Botux Lips—pouted ever so Tragically all over this sad La La Land of Melancholy Don’t Ask Don’t Tell!!!

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