Planet of the Pinheads

Planet of the Pinheads

Don't muck around in the affairs of planets that are less technologically advanced than yours. Despite how often we forget, Star Trek’s Prime Directive is a pretty good protocol for not messing around with a universe brimming with harelips, pinheads, and various other homo cephalopedalis freaks.

Of course, that never stopped Captain Kirk from mucking around with pretty babes on every planet he could get his greedy hands on. Which betrays one of the fatal flaws of the Prime Directive which isn't terribly nuanced.

How do we relate to alien life that's as retarded, or more retarded, than us? What if alien life has already been tainted—by mad Exo-geneticists bent on twisting chromosomes in every twisted way possible?

Do we spread our sick deformed DNA research—throughout every nook and cranny of the Known Universe? Or do we leave Pinhead Planets alone—abiding by the Prime Directive and not fucking up such planets even worse than they are now?

On the other hand, shouldn’t we ditch the Prime Directive and dish as much genetic engineering dirt as we possibly can? Letting other Exo-dystopian planets know just how down and dirty we can get—spreading our human disease spawn to as many star systems and galaxies as possible. The more the merrier—as they say?

Why leave any home planet alone? What’s more intriguing and sexy—than a virgin planet getting fucked over by NASA or the SETI Institute? Why not go boldly forth—and do what the lobbyists and bureaucrats in the Beltway do. Grab as much as you can—and buy the rest.

Who’s gonna blow the whistle? There aren’t any regulators out there. It’s all about ditching safety protocols that we Earthlings—have never abided by anyway. It’s all about ripping off natural resources and pillaging new worlds for all their riches and women. To hell with the social and ethical interplanetary guidelines—what the universe needs is a more greedy galaxy globalization and a new slave trade for Terran enterprises.

Oh yeah, oil if they’ve got any left. And, of course, every other natural resource like precious metals we can get our greasy hands on. We’ll police the planet as usual—all a part of NASA's Office of Planetary Protection. Terra will always be the homebase for the Planetary Protection Corporation—surely the most awesome transplanetary protection racket known to mankind.

In the sciences, there’s the Bureau of Genetic Research—which has been around since the ‘30s. The Apollo landings on the Moon and the concept of an international space station had been around a long time. But the main goal was to keep today's tacky space science from screwing up the genetic sciences of tomorrow.

Even before NASA, before Sputnik—the main thing was to hurry up and start spreading Earth microbes to other planets. If you do that—then it’s a lot easier ending up studying your own contamination and concentration camps, rather than what's really out there. Getting rid of subhuman Exo-terrestrial competition is a piece of cake—simple as getting rid of the American Indians for the lands and resources.

Which gets rid of the next obvious step—worrying about the alien microbes and Exo-diseases we might bring back to Earth. If you get rid of all the other planetary species first—then we won’t end up with a reverse version of “War of the Worlds.” Even a Devil Planet seems virgin and dumb—when compared with our human race which gets off on discombobulating other worlds with our interstellar syphilitic tentacles.

Planetary Genetic Officers are in charge of setting up quarantine measures—and creating planetary protocols for designing containment facilities. We set up concentration camps—when we take over worlds like Neptune, Venus and Mars as well as Alpha Centauri for our galaxy globalization.

These protocols are constantly evolving—as we move with the technological changes based both on science and digging up old Krell bones.

The social side-effects of Exobiology—have their own problems just as important as the tech details. According to Margaret Mead III, an Exoecologist at the SETI Institute, the “passing” of Martian mulattos posing as Earthmen creates major immigration problems. It takes up all her time—keeping track of Martian Mandingos and Saturnian Slackers.

Planetary prophylactics and safeguards are big business on other worlds—mixed marriages face strict racial quotas for immigration back to Home Planet Earth. So much depends on the social and ethical implications now—of interplanetary intercourse as the Exo-Empire expands outward. Exoterrestrial cross-breeding La Dolce Vita clubs—are lucrative businesses throughout all the crummy solar systems.

Carl Sagan once asked: "If Mars has night life, surely it’s like here in Manhattan? They party just like us—except with Martian martinis and Martian chicks. Exo-entertainment trumps all those other ethical, legal, cultural and theological agendas. After all, Mars is about Big Business—and not the stupid Learning Channel.”

Unemployment among space scientists, exo-anthropologists, exo-ethicists, exo-legal experts, exo-theologians—is at an all time high level now. The interplanetary gold rush is in full swing—precious metals, petroleum, pretty concubines are right up there on top of the rich and famous agenda.

The careless exploitation and rape of natural resources and large scale environmental destruction of all other planets—it’s one of Terra Corporation's best trick or treat interplanetary Halloween routines. “If we start now,” the corporations say—“then we can start even sooner getting down to business and treating all the other planets with our special dirty tricks of the trade agenda.”

By learning from these Exo-earthly examples—interplanetary treaties concerning outer space and things like the Antarctic can be laughed and scoffed at. Now is the time to think about the costs, benefits and potential impacts of our interplanetary plans—particularly if we want to rip-off this universe from all the other life forms and useless breeders. No matter how smart—or advanced they may be. An Exo-sucker is born—every fucking second!!!

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