Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Teenagers From Outer Space

I Was a Teenage Monster from Outer Space

“When Gregor Samsa
woke up one morning
from unsettling dreams…”
—Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

It was simply Awful!!!

I’d become a terrible—Teenage Monster from Outer Space!!!

It was much worse than being transformed into—something gross like Gogol’s Nose or Kafka’s Cockroach or Roth’s Breast!!!

It was the worst possible Oedipal thing—that could possibly happen to a young Earthboy. It wasn’t a matter of adolescent hormones or human desire—it was a wretched Alien curse that descended on me!!!

It was Bad Biology—an unearthly Exo-epistemophilic experiment somehow gone wrong. I was no longer an innocent dumb little Earthboy—I was a Teenage Monster from Outer Space!!!.

If puberty is a guy’s entry into the symbolic order of Terran Adults—then my situation was just the opposite. Suddenly I found myself not knowing what I was—especially after that first shocking ogling look at myself in my smirking bedroom mirror.

There’d been some kind of hideous mistake—an otherworldly shocking metamorphosis!!! Much to my horror, I’d suddenly been caught up—in some kind of naked neo-noir sci-fi nightmare!!!

I stared at myself in the mirror—I couldn’t believe it!!! I’d become a huge Alien Penis!!! I’d sprouted a gimpy pair of legs—and a couple of bulging bloodshot eyeballs!!! Suddenly I’d become covered with ugly alien pubes, Martian veins and Venusian arteries!!! All of it oozing and wiggling obscenely—up & down my shameless naked body!!!

There was something horribly Alien—and sexually grotesque about my new Teenager from Outer Space body. It was just awful—it was ten times worse than being Gregor Samsa!!! It was like waking up and suddenly finding myself—starring in some awful monster movie at the Snake Pit Drive In!!!

It was like an Oedipal House of Cards—that came tumbling down. How could I ever get a date now? How could I get any kind of sexual pleasure—or get off on any kind of decent lovemaking?

Not that I was any kind of special Romeo or anything—I wasn’t a virgin anymore. And I wasn’t exactly—God’s gift to girls either. But then what’s an eighteen-year-old chicken—supposed to do?

I was just an incredibly naïve Earthboy—still in the middle of having embarrassing wet dreams in the middle of the night. In fact, it was right after waking up from one such rather embarrassing nocturnal emission—that I discovered the Awful Truth!!!

Was there any connection between my maddening erotic metamorphosis—and the wet dream that I’d just had that horrible night when it all began?

I was just a skinny little 5 foot 6 inch Earthboy—not exactly the epitome of muy macho Maleness personified. There I was standing nude in front of my bedroom mirror—my tense engorgement suddenly shocking me to no end. What a totally obscene taboo erotic monstrosity!!!

Of course, I was like any normal red-blooded American kid—I wanted to grow up to be a man. To have a cute girlfriend—and maybe marry her and have some kids. But this kind of undignified naked Teenage Monster Maleness from Outer Space—it was simply ridiculous!!! I’d become literally the ultimate embodiment—of BAD BIOLOGY!!!

I was all for young male macho manhood—but this was just ridiculous!! I noticed with abject horror that my new Alien phallic body—even had a pair of erect obscene quivering blushingly pink nipples!!! I simply couldn’t believe it—my tits were shamelessly erect and they were even pierced!!!

And to make matters worse—I could feel the additional weight of blood coursing through my new Alien Monster body making it awfully difficult to even move. The more I looked at myself—the more obscenely Erect I became!!!

How was I supposed to hide—my horrible new predicament? Where was all this burgeoning blood coming from—was there no end to it? My stiff-as-a-board hard-as-nails—Frankenstein Erection? My legs were growing weak—I fainted in a Teenage Monster from Outer Space swoon…

And then to make matters even worse—I began to have one of those terribly embarrassing uncontrollable Alien Monster Ejaculations!!!

Ten times worse—than my usual normal All-American Boy delicate nocturnal emissions. I had no control over it—it was one of the most powerful weirdest runny wet dreams I’d ever had in my whole life!!!

Out of the blue!!! It was like an Act of God!!! A Killer Hurricane—like Katrina!!! A devastating Meteorite Explosion—like that one in Siberia!!! I had this incredible Tunguska Climax—I was afraid it was going to flatten everything for miles and miles around!!!

My shy thin teenage skinny little hips—turned into churning, undulating Hiroshima-esque humping monsters!!!

I felt a megaton of awful Alien goop—come squirting out of me and covering the mirror, my bed, my desk and my laptop!!!

It was just Awful!!!—awfully nice!!! Kinda. Sort of.

But wouldn’t you know it—right then in the middle of all this unexpected orgasmic Action. My mother knocked on the door—reminding me I should hurry up and get ready to go to school…

Luckily I always locked the door—but I’m sure she heard something awful and strange going on in my bedroom. It must have sounded—like a bilge pump hard at work emptying the Gobbledygook Ferry down by the docks!!! Before sailing off for Bonebridge Island—across the choppy Peter Pan Bay!!!

How could I possibly go to Schmuck High School—after what happened to me? Looking like this—an incredible Teenage Monster from Outer Space? I laid there on the slimy, messed-up floor—looking up at the splattered ceiling of my poor bedroom!!!

Surely I’d be the laughing stock—of everybody in the gym class. All of the wiseass know-it-all creeps—laughing and leering at me. Calling me all the worst names in the Book—like “Hey!!! Dickface!!! What happened to you? You oughtta be—in a Zoo!!”

It wasn’t exactly the thing—I wanted to happen to me. That and the queer gym coach—I knew he’d fall in love me!!! I could just hear him—cornering me in his office behind closed doors. “Oh, you lovely luscious Dandified Prick from Outer Space!!!”

Or my gay English teacher—ogling at my exquisite young male beauty—and opining forever about Rilke’s “Archaic Torso of Apollo.” Especially that last louche line about—“You must / change your life!!!” The “what-if” had already rudely happened—to my poor bod!!! Nobody’s poetic imagination—could possibly comprehend my Prickly Pusillanimous Predicament!!!

Not only that—there was the whole faggy wrestling team!!! Their phallic cravings went Beyond the Beyond—one look at my mysteriously erotic masculine “Alien Engorgement” and surely it would cause a riot down in the locker room. Down there where polymorphously perverse things—went on all the time anyway. My exquisite doomed sense of lost innocence—preceding the Perfect Ejaculation!!!

Knowing that it would be simply fruitless to avoid the ceaseless appetites of my English teacher, my gym coach and the whole wrestling team—what was a girl to do?

There was, of course, all the nelly nascent fags and closet-case voyeurs in waiting—there in the hallways of BJ High. I felt suddenly helpless and frustrated— knowing the insatiable size-queen desires I’d create if I went to school that day.

To say nothing of the fem-butch bipolar disorders—I’d surely provoke with just a mere twitch of my new Alien Monster transformed body. Oh!!! All the nightmares I’d probably cause—and the FOX-News headlines up there on the TV screen!!! The King Kong Tokyo riots—and scandalous post-traumatic syndrome aftershocks after school got out!!!

I heard my parents drive off to work—and all I could think about was their Shock and Horror if they could only see me now. Surely they’d ship me off to some Carnival full of Freaks—I’d end up them showing me off like some grotesque Prince Radian the ugly Stump Man with no arms or legs!!!

Except with me it would be slightly different—at least I had a pair of spindly legs. And a pair of tits—that needed a risqué brassier to lure the dumb rubes. Although the rest of me would surely get all the main attention—sequestered in some secret tent. Hidden in some sideshow back-alley dive—flopping around in the sawdust like poor Olga Baclanova!!! Poor Olga—the Squawking Cross-Eyed Chicken Woman!!!

To think—the rest of my life would end up being fetishized and stared at. The leering eyes of lascivious slobbering rubes—leering at me in some dismal shadowy dump in Topeka, Kansas? Some dismal neo-noir Fairground!!! Or ending up in some Nebraska lonely cornfield—putting up with a naïve farmboy quickie?

To be nothing more—than the embodiment of lewd Male Gangster Gaucherie? To be nothing more—than merely some lewd irrevocably Kitschy Masculine Alien Teenage Monstrosity?

Talk about a nightmarish Sartre “No Exit”—No Escape for the Wicked in this Size-Queen World? To be the object of quack scientific studies—exposed to the vulgarities of crummy TV, Youtube and Hollywood? To become the Poster Boy Sullen Prick—the object of Worship on the Oprah Show!!!

And all those fickle Freudians and Las Vegas Liberace types—pushing all sorts of nightclub striptease acts!!! To be constantly disrobed in front of the gauche Masses—to be propositioned for porno movies reviewed by the uppity NYTimes and laughed at in the cartoons of The New Yorker!!!

To even think about such things—filled me with the worse Fear and A Self-Loathing that awful morning in my poor bedroom. What a brutal Claustrophobic Predicament—worrying me to no End. Trying to think of some way out—thinking about some way to avoid my new inevitable Alien Prickhood? How could things pile up so quickly and unexpectedly—to suddenly create this strange new Alien Life-Form with no purpose or meaning!!!

I couldn’t do anything—except simply lay there on the floor. Creaming away—and dreaming the kind of deluded daydreams that are full of post-traumatic depression and ennui. I drifted off into La La Land—daydreaming I wasn’t “real” anymore and whatever was going to happen to me in the future wasn’t real either!!!

It must have done the Trick—because somehow things started tuning back into what they used to be. Some kind of Alien Power that had transformed me in the first place—obviously was feeling sorry for me and turning me back into a regular American Teenager again!!!

I’d become a Teenage Monster from Outer Space—done in by my own perverted Teenage Imagination!!!

Somehow I’d got detoured along the way—by some sort of Nefarious Nocturnal Emission!!! Some strangely coincidental Synchronistic Morphing of nightmare and reality!!!

It had all happened to me like some Alien Ray of Light—zeroing in on me this morning like a Killer Klieg Light from up there in the Sky!!! Announcing the premier of some new Drive-In Creature-Feature abysmal Flick. And that somehow I’d become a major character in some crummy decadent Hollywood sexploitation flick!!! Waking up still playing the silly part—of some Kinky Playwright’s Alien Caliban Delight!!!


Time passed—it must have been an hour or two. But somehow it was Time enough—to transcend the horrible condition that I’d fallen into. It must have been a Dream all along—I said to myself looking around. There wasn’t anything “heroic” about being a normal human being again—for all I knew it could happen again any time without a hint of what was going to come.

For all I knew—it could be something even worse the next time. Even more Nightmarishly Neo-Noir—than what I’d been through before. Worse than a Teenage Monster from Outer Space!!!

It was as if I’d been given—some kind of weird Joker’s Anatomy Lesson. The old roles of Femininity and Masculinity had been changed—things like being heroic or absurd or comic or tragic. These were actually consolations to me now—after my sense of Earthboy Adolescence had been breached so crudely and cavalierly.

Whatever or whoever laid this Teenage Monster from Outer Space trip on me—they must have really had a sick sense of parody and crummy satire. But I was just glad that I was a lousy kid again—and that I could get my pants on the normal way without Fear and Loathing.

That whole day at school—everything seemed the same to me. Except I was glad—just to be Human once again!!!

No comments: