Thursday, September 10, 2009

My Baptist Boyfriend

My Baptist Boyfriend

“A man like me?”
—James 5: 17-18

“'daaaamn, check out
the swang on that thang,
yo. He be a complete
hottie bottie!”
—Urban Dictionary

Baptist Boyz—from California!!!
They’re so cute—and squeaky-clean
Like right out of a—Pink Elephant carwash
So nice and slick—like a Popsicle stick
Praise the Lord—hot California cuties!!!

I love it when you—sleep with me
Reading the Good Book—before a spree
Yeah, gimme divine Leviticus Love, baby!!!
I love the way—you turn your cheeks
Spread ‘em—you little hottie bottie!!!

John the Baptist—couldn’t do better
Than my sexy San Jose saintly stud
Taking a nude dip—in the motel pool
Halleluiah brother—baptize me good
Hold me down under—until I’m saved!!!

My Baptist boyfriend—Dwayne Jones
Told me his mission—was really simple
To love God—to love others………….
And to recruit lots of—disciples like me
Yes, even harlot-lipped lascivious me!!!

Convince me—California Pretty Boy
Show me how—virgin surfers ride the
Huge stormy waves—just like Jesus
Show me some skin—some Venus-torso
To make it worthwhile—saving my soul!!!

I wanna see Elijah—show some leg
Hitchhiking his way up—Mount Carmel
I wanna see a little—fire and brimstone
Excite those petulant prophet loins!!!
Squeeze those cheeks—Isaiah to Malachi!!!

I wanna hear Elijah—speak the truth
Spend some time with me—compassionately
Cherith Brook—his babbling biblical book
Schooling Elijah—getting him ready for
Proposition Hate—decadent California!!!

Be my passionate young Baptist!!!
A true-blue believer—in the Old Testament
Gimme some Fire—outta your Mountain
Show me some Showdown—at the Summit
Okay if some Mormons & Catholics show up?

I’m burned-out—and depressed like Elijah
On the run—I’ve been hiding down here
Under the Juniper Bush—waiting for my cute
Young Elisha to come—save me please
Even saints need somebody—sometime???

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