Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Night of the Wal-Mart Dead

Night of the Wal-Mart Dead

“They’re coming to
get you, Barbara!!!”
—George Romero,
Night of the Living Dead (1968)

The movie opens up—like Night of the Living Dead
There’s shot of a—long lonely blacktop road
Leading out of a—dead-beat ghost town somewhere
Out to a Wal-Mart store—the only store in town

Johnny, a greasy duck-tail hood vainly looking at
Himself in the mirror—a perfect Elvis Presley hood
Driving his teenage sister—Barbara (Judith O’Day)
To visit the grave of their—shop till you drop mother

She’d dropped dead in the bargain aisle—eyeing crap
And they buried her—in the parking lot cemetery
A Special Deal for all Special Shoppers like her
Right by the flagpole—next to the gas station

Johnny is chewing gum—sipping a can of beer
Bitching about traveling—all the way to crummy
Deadville to show respect—to their Mommy Dearest
Bickering with Barbara—like a scene out of some

Herschell Gordon Lewis flick—Two Thousand Maniacs
“They ought to make Special Day—Mother’ Day.”
Bellyaching about the long drive—from Pittsburgh
Just to visit the gave of their—shopper Mother

“Hey, c’mon Barb—Wal-Mart’s for shopping right?”
Teasing her with the old “coming to get you” routine
But Barbara’s adamant—once a year showing respect
“They ought to make everyday—Mother’s Day!!!”

Only to find Mommy Dearest’s grave—rudely dug up
Along with others in the—scattered blacktop cemetery
Underneath some stark burned-out streetlights
Only to be quickly surrounded by—Living Dead!!!

Bodies of the Wal-Mart Living Dead—all hungry
Barbara screaming—one of the decaying zombies
Bashing in Johnny’s head—with a shovel on sale
His oozing red brains—immediately sucked up

It’s just awful—how greedy the bloodsuckers are
Their sunken-eyed depravity—chilling to the bone
Barbara barely escaping—the clutches of the dead
Horrible denizens of Deadville—brought back to life

It’s Special Day at Wal-Marts—Apocalypse Now!!!
She barely makes it to—an abandoned Winnebago
Locking the door behind her—feeling safe kinda
Only to discover her dead brother—in the bedroom

Shock of shocks—incestuous carnivore desires!!!
The look on Johnny’s dead face—what a Boner!!!
He’s the Special of the Day—Zombie El Supremo!!!
Bad Boy Brother—Wal-Mart muy grande!!!

Soon starved fanatic zombies—pounding at the door
Smashing windows to get some—Barbara’s flesh!!!
Johnny’s leering face—getting closer and closer…
Pretty soon Barbara—getting strangely excited?!?

How exquisitely stylish—pseudo-cinéma-véritée!!!
So full of vivisective—vivacious verisimilitude!!!
Turning middleclass USA—into drooling satire
Night of the Wal-Mart Dead—a great gore movie

Double-billed with Slaves of Sodom and Gomorrah
Critics raving about Night—“A horror genre gem!”
"Wal-Mart parking lot—perfect gothic landscape!"
“It’s flat murky ambience—tres Hitchcock-esque!!!”

“Brilliant open-ended metaphor—for topical anxiety!”
“Just like The Thing—Invaders from Mars along with
The Body Snatchers—Cold War dystopian critiques!"
Night of the Wal-Mart Dead—Viet Nam War satire!!!

Followed by Dawn of the Wal-Mart Dead—in color
Continuing the parody of—consumerist fantasy
Stalking the malls—zombies in Abercrombie Fitch
Living dead up escalators—cheerful Muzak shoppers

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