Cleaving Ed Wood Jr.

Bride of the Monster (1956)

“Diabolical!!! Fiendish!!! Horrorific!!!”

Schmaltzy Ed Wood Jr—he did it everytime
He ruined every movie—all the Actors too
He ruined me—Over and Over again
I loved it Each time—I kept Coming back

I got Obsessed with him—Glen or Glenda
Nobody else talked—about Angora that way
Ed Wood so melodramatic—and intense
But then everything was—that way for me too

Drag was nothing new—I was beyond Angora
Deep in my kitschy imagination—I wanted more
I wanted more or less—what every guy wanted
I wanted Love and Happiness—some Sex

Jailbait was Okay—but I wanted more than that
Plan 9 from Outer Space—I needed more than 9
But there was something else—I wanted more
I wanted to be—Bride of the Monster!!!

I wanted to be—Bride of the Monster
I had the hots for—nice cute Tony McCoy
I think Ed Woods—was in love with him too
I wanted to be Dolores Fuller—that’s for sure

There was something—seductive about it
Sexy, seductive, smooth—smooth as Angora
Being Bride of the Atom—Married to Tor
Tor Johnson—my Number One Guy!!!

Lobo my Type of guy—the Silent Type
He didn’t waste any time—in the Laboratory
When he strapped it on—his inflatable Dildo
The Octopus—with 8 Tentacles and Suckers

That’s how Tor did me—on the Table
Beneath the mystery—Zap-Ray Machine
It worked better—than a Microwave
To scramble my Brains—Fry my Pussy

My nice Pale white—girlish Complexion
Slowly turning toasty—Marshmallowy
Pretty soon—I was into Chocolate
Then the Rays—turned me Jet Black

Dr. Vornoff—always so very nice
He’d ask me—“Doing okay, my dear?”
Manly Lobo my Love—what a Brute
Bad on the Outside—Good on the inside!!!

Bela Lugosi—campy without even trying
Dr. Vornoff—Turn up the Juice, baby
All those years—ogling Frankenstein flicks
Finally paying off—C’mon Zap me, man!!!

Vampire movies—dark gothic genre
Once you’ve gone noir—my dearest dear
Without a vampiric doubt—down in the crypt
There’s no turning back—once you Suck!!!

Wolfman movies—even a Boy who is
Pure in Heart and—says his Prayers by night
Will become a Wolf—when the wolfbane blooms
And the Autumn moon—howls at Night!!!

Science Fiction movies—like Them
Insectoid guyz with antennae—they’re Bad
Monolith Monsters—exquisitely dumb Jocks
Tall, erect—then Crashing down into Bed

UFO Movies—Devil Girl from Mars
Jet-black skull cap—crimson cape
Leather-clad—Dominatrix from Mars
Gimme your raygun, baby—all the way

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