Waterboarding in Windermere

Waterboarding in Windermere

“Someone must have been
telling lies about Joseph K.,
for without having done
anything wrong he was
rudely arrested.”
—Franz Kafka, The Trial

Today the Grand Inquisitor—
Came into my room, but soon
As I heard his footsteps I hid
Under the couch like a cockroach!!!

When he saw I wasn’t there—
He started calling and shouting
“Joseph K.!!!” Then “Poprishchin!!!”
Naturally I didn’t say a word.

Then “Axenty Ivenov!!!”—
“Titular Counselor!!! Nobleman!!!”
Still I didn’t reply; then he shouted
“Isabella the Eighth!!! Queen of Spain!!!”

I thought of sticking my head out—
But thought better of it knowing
He was trying to fool me but it was
Too late—the Inquisitor had seen me.

He drove me out with a Taser—
Then prodded me with a Cattle Prod!!!
But I knew full well that indeed—
I was the Queen of Spain—the real one!!!

The Grand Inquisitor left me—
Threatening me with horrible awful
Waterboarding in the near future
Which left me in a rather bad mood.

I haven’t the strength to endure—
Not much longer anyway, good Gawd!!!
What have I done to deserve all this?
Why do they torture me all the time?

My head’s spinning—everything’s burning!
Save me!!! Take me away from here!!!
Quick a Troika!!! Whirlwind swift horses!!!
Get me away!!! Guantánamo Bay, oy vey!!!

Evita Perón!!! Please save me!!!
Imelda Marcos!!! Sweep me away!!!
Dhey of Algiers!!! Do they know?
There’s a big wart—under your Nose?

That’s when the torture began—
The incessantly maddening awful
Waterboarding in a dingy room
At the infamous El Gaucho Motel

I got special treatment you know—
After all I was the Queen of Spain
Even though they thought it lame
For me to act like I was some dame

It’s lucky I had plenty of practice—
Vomiting and upchucking and barfing
You would too if you were me
All my lovers such lousy losers!!!

It was then during one of the sessions—
Between fainting, recovering and fainting
That I heard Oscar Wilde’s lovely voice
So gay, so enchanting and sympathetic

“What a dump!!!” were her first words—
Look at those shabby worn curtains
Either they or I simply have to go
It’s worse than that Paris dive, my dear!!!

Oscar consoled and comforted me—
Fanny my poor fevered forehead with
Lady Windermere’s Ostrich-Plumed Fan
Whispering sweet nothings in my ear

Bosie that no-good little spoiled Fop—
Was off playing the horses as usual
Wasting away his family fortune and
Losing his good name Lord Douglas

The Importance of Waterboarding—
Done with great care and skillful
Earnest was devastating to my
Royal poise and bearing as Queen

The Spanish Armanda floundered—
It’s assault on Queen Elizabeth failing
Leaving me stranded in Guantánamo
Caught up in campy Caribbean carnage

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