My Mormon Boyfriend

My Mormon Boyfriend

“a faint sneer of thunder
up in the woods”
—Carol Ann Duffy,
“from Mrs. Tiresias,”
The World’s Wife

I turned to my—handsome Mormon boyfriend
Stretched out in bed—smoking his cigarette
There in the No Tell Motel—in Salt Lake City

Praise the Lord—Mormon boyz are so cute!!!
Every time I’m in—lovely Salt Lake City
I get a hard-on—in the Great Tabernacle!!!

That huge organ—blaring into the sky
Oh Lordy!!! It makes me faint in the knees!!!
It makes me lose it—in the holy pews!!!

Those happy Heteros—helplessly insane
When I get my lips—on Jimmy Swaggart
Naked in that lovely—New Orleans motel!!!

Jerry Fartwell—wasn’t too bad either
Snorting Nitrous Oxide—into the Aether!!!
Lordy!!! Lordy!!!—how he made me blush!!!

Hurricane Katrina—such a nasty Killer
But we all know—the Mardi Gras faggots
Brought down—Sodom and Miss Gomorrah!!!
When to disarm—my Mormon boyfriend
I schmooze away—soothing his male ego
Applauding Proposition Hate’s—facile façade

When I drop names—proud Princeton pricks!!!
How I lie—through my tacky false teeth
How he worships—my hoity-toity smirk!!!

My country club suavity—my Wall Street dreck
What a smarmy millionaire I am—how I fly!!!
Piss-poor Ponzi bankrupt—skating on thin ice

Like Bernie Madoff—so calm kind wise
Pour me another scotch & soda—make it strong
My latest merger—taking over General Motors

If he only knew—the country’s going under
Ask Arnold Schwarzenegger—happy clown!!!
The American Dream—a Dairy Queen Titanic

How he loves my—Miss Lonelyhearts spiel
You too can be—Hetero, Happy and Wise!!!
See my Golden Parachute—open & fail?

Proposition Hate—C’mon it’s not too late
There’s still time, baby—for another Inquisition
Those 18,000 that got thru—we gotta wreck!!!

We can’t have all those—Glen and Glendas!!!
Parading around in drag—wearing Angora!!!
Time for another—Plan 9 From Outer Space!!!

No more nelly Ed Wood Jr.—Hollywood jive!!!
Fuck Bela Lugosi—Bride of the Monster yuk!!!
Time to resurrect—Charlton Heston again!!!

Give ‘em—The Ten Commandments, baby!!!
And while you’re at it—give ‘em Twelve Inches too!!!
Poor famished creatures—craven Californians!!!

But here in lovely gorgeous—Salt Lake City
Far away from all that—mad West Coast faggotry
Me & my cute Mormon boyfriend—we get down!!!

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