Email Poem

Email Poem
—for W.H. Auden

This is my Email—crossing the Aether
Bringing me news—of my invisible Other

Gossip from Onion—Salon secret notes
What would I do—without such neat folks?

Trashing Obama—puking on Madame Pelosi
It’s great fun—to be so naughty and nosey

So nice to get—the latest news on the Pope
Schwarzenegger’s broke—he’s legalizing dope!

Snorting noisily—Limbaugh, Drudge, O’Reilly
All the Talking Heads—so smarmy & smiley

People online—yearn for news of Apocalypse
But I prefer porno—with black leather & whips

Each morning I wake up—my laptop stirring
The chatty, the catty—the boring, the adoring

The clever, the stupid—the short and the long
Even a quaint epistle—from the Bishop of Hong Kong

Oh friendly Airwaves—so indolent and slow
Be patient with me—my bandwidth so very low

I wish I had Broadband—it’s such a bummer
My dial-up always saying—Sorry Wrong Number

Sometimes I get bored—I’m a Font Queen lately
Verdana is Wunderbar—Times New Roman stately

I can type, I can print—I can spell things wrong
Spell Checker even checks out—my piles & dong!

Email from London, Rome—even Nigeria
Promising Ponzi riches—and Gonorrhea!!!

Email of thanks—but not from my bank man
Email from esteemed—Poet Laureate of Pakistan!

News of Netflix—latest Hollywood flick
Wish I could get rid of—last night’s trick

Email from uncles, cousins, aunts—all dead
Hanging around in my in-box—sadly unread

News from Oxford, Cambridge—even the Queen
A note from Prince Charles—global warming unclean

Elizabeth Bishop—emails me from Key West
Sipping rum & coke—even tho dead verandah-less

Hart Crane—emails me from the Orizaba
His shark’s teeth grin—winking like Ali Baba

Miss Proust as usual—pouting in Paris
In her cork-lined bedroom—so very bare-ass

Walt Whitman—from Timber Creek emails me
Those New Jersey farmboys—“Ain’t for free”

Carol Ann Duffy—she’s such a toughie
Is that her Harley-Davidson—in the alley?

I recently heard news from—San Francisco
The Maltese Falcon’s—up Peter Lorre’s asshole

And Casablanca—I read a recent headline
Mr. Bogart & Mrs. Raines—are doing just fine

Sometimes my email—is full of hanky-panky
But that’s okay—as long as he’s long & lanky

I used to believe—fairy tales had power
But now they’re mostly—rather sweet & sour

Hollywood heart-throbs—like Jude Law
They’re still quite inspiring—without a flaw

Even when Jude plays—a Deep South hustler
His British accent—adds a little class & luster

Bomba the Jungle Boy—sends me Valentines
When I get them—I coyly pull the blinds

Jack Palance—still causes lots of Sudden Fear
Joan Crawford and I—simply love to leer

Fay Wray—and her hunky hubby King Kong
Ensconced in their penthouse—with a bong

Lon Chaney Jr—still emails from Transylvania
What a drag to be a Wolfman—misses California

Bela Lugosi is back—doing a You Tube remake
Playing campy Glen—Ed Wood Jr playing Glenda

How inviting—an email coupon arrives today
A Soylent Green Big Mac—tasty as June Duprez

Yes, email, my dears—it’s a writer’s best friend
Especially email to myself—that I love to send

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