Cleaving Johnny Depp

Jailbait (2009)

“I'll be the captain
of your gravity, Maxwell”
—Shudder to Think, Hot One

There I was—sitting on the Throne
Leisurely reading—thru the latest
Lamparski—Hollywood Memoirs
Whatever Happened—To Whoever
You Know—What’s His Name?

Suddenly—Ed Wood Jr. appeared!!!
Just as surprised—and startled as me!!!
He was on the lamb—as usual…
A mob of bill-collectors—angry & irate
Chasing him furtively—thru my Bathroom!!!

I couldn’t believe it—Ed Wood Jr.!!!
Star of Hollywood’s—Worst Campy Movies!!!
Infant terrible Director—Eddie El Supremo!!!
Still on the Go—Ratty Risque Impresario!!!
Genius Playwright—Queen of Schlock!!!

Screamy Star—of Glen or Glenda!!!
Decadent Diva—Bride of the Monster!!!
Skanky Snake—of That Sinister Urge!!!
Father of—Romero’s Night of the Living Dead!!!
Prissy Gourmet Director—Orgy of the Dead!!!

How can one refuse—such a Smooth Hustler!!!
I give him all I have—my Swiss Bank Account!!!
Along with Norma Desmond’s—Family Jewels
Betty, Joan and I—left always wondering…
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane Bad Boy?

Everybody knows—how much Schlock sucks!!!
I used to cruise—up & down Hollywood Boulevard
Schlock, kitsch, camp—Grade Z Cinema du jour!!!
Like Nathanael West’s—The Day of the Locusts!!!
Ed Wood Jr.—true Hollywood Miss Lonelyhearts!!!

Down thru my shower curtains—Bill Collectors!!!
Irate Heavenly Rubes—taken in by Eddie’s scams!!!
In swooping Bela Lugosi herself—wanting more money!!
After all Bride of the Monster—a Huge Success!!!
Celestial Dressing Room—my lowly Bathroom!!!

All the Hollywood Bijous—of the Heavenly Dead
Clamoring at the Pearly Gates—for their Cut…
Business is business—Posthumous or not!!!
All of them anxious—in their own greedy way…
For Mr. Cecile DeMille’s—lewd Close-up Shot!!!

It was, my dears—The Rush Hour of the Gods!!!
Leaving me face-down—in my lukewarm tub
Jangled in my Jacuzzi—dead as William Holden
At least I wasn’t left—on a slab in the Morgue!!!
Nevertheless I felt like—an old Hollywood Whore!!!

Speaking of old whores—Billy Wilder smirked
Reassuring me thru—all the coming rehearsals
How easy it was—to be an Ace in the Hole!!!
Jan Sterling clamoring down—the old staircase
With her beat-up suitcase—out of Carny USA!!!

That furtive look—in Ed Wood’s eyes, though
Isn’t exactly reassuring—I can tell you honey…
There I am schmoozing—morosely at 3 AM
Bella Lugosi bitching about—another $10,000
Tor Johnson putting—the make on Vampira!!!

Plus Dolores Fuller—Eddie’s patient wife
Going on to Elvis Presley—and Las Vegas fame
Selling a million copies—making her fortune
On the other side—of a Blue Hawaii "45" record
Too bad the money—doesn't arrive sooner…

Pretty soon tho—all of Hollywood’s Bad Boyz!!!
James Dean, Sean Penn—and River Phoenix…
As well as Heath Ledger—so moody as usual
All wanting to star—in Eddie’s latest movie!!!
Teenage Angora Thriller—Jailbait (2009)!!!

No comments: