SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE:
A CAMPY CONVERSATION
F.W. Murnau: Why me, you monster? Why not the... script boy?
Max Schreck: Oh. The script boy. I'll suck him off later.
F.W. Murnau: I will not allow you to destroy my picture!
Max Schreck: This is hardly your picture any longer.
Max Schreck: Did I kill any of your people, Murnau? I doubt it; they were already dead.
Murnau: Actors don't need to live. They need to be.
Max Schreck: To be dead is my way of acting, Murnau. It’s been my act for centuries.
F.W. Murnau: If it's not in frame, it doesn't exist!
Max Schreck: It takes more than some makeup, my dear Murnau. It takes blood; young seminal blood.
F.W. Murnau: Well, you don't get any.
Max Schreck: There was a time... when I... fed from golden chalices. But now... Don't look at me that way!
F.W. Murnau: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Max Schreck, who will be portraying our vampire, Count Orlock. As you no doubt have heard, Max's methods are somewhat... unconventional, but... I am sure you will come to respect his artistry in this matter.
Max Schreck: I suck like an old man pees… Sometimes all at once, sometimes drop by drop.
[Asked what he thought of the book, Dracula]
Max Schreck: It made me sad. Why sad? Because Dracula had no servants. I think you missed the point of the book, Dracula. Dracula hasn't had servants in 400 years and then a young real estate agent comes to his ancestral home, and he must convince him that he... that he is like any man.
F.W. Murnau: Any man?
Max Schreck: He has to feed him, when he himself hasn't eaten food in centuries. Can he even remember how to buy bread? How to select cheese and wine? And then he remembers the rest of it. How to prepare a meal, how to make a bed. He remembers his first glory, his armies, his retainers, and what he’s been reduced to. The loneliest part of the book comes... when the man accidentally sees Dracula setting his table.
F.W. Murnau: Hey, who cares? You never die!
Max Schreck: Go to hell, Murnau!
F.W. Murnau: Why would you possibly want to be in a lonely castle when you could be in a film?
Max Schreck: This castle once gave me life. Now... it only takes from me. I need new city blood. Berlin or Budapest would do just fine.
F.W. Murnau: What is the most wondrous thing you ever saw?
Max Schreck: I once saw Helen of Troy naked.
F.W. Murnau: That beats ectoplasm!
F.W. Murnau: Go ahead! Eat my writers! Devour my cast! Suck off my leading actors! That will leave you explaining how your character never gets to Berlin!
Max Schreck: Why, Murnau, should I take the trouble of going to Berlin. When Berlin comes to me?
F.W. Murnau: Death of centuries! Cocksucker! Blasphemer! Nelly queen of prehistory. Finally down to Earth now, finally now on film!
Max Schreck: To have come so far; and now having to stoop so low to conquer.
F.W. Murnau: Collect the wooden stake and return it to its rightful place; it is necessary for the final frame, to remind us of the inadequacies of our plans, our contingencies, every missed train and failed picnic, every lie to a child.
Max Schreck: You know nothing, Murnau. Missing a train, a picnic, a failed marriage. It’s nothing compared with missing a kingdom, a reign of hundreds, thousands of years. What do you know?
F.W. Murnau: Time will no longer be a dark spot on our lungs. They will no longer say 'you had to have been there', because the fact is, Schreck, we were.
Max Schreck: There are no last lines. You think you have it on film, but you don’t. You’re doomed.
F.W. Murnau: Our weapon is the moving picture. Our films will linger and finally overwhelm, because it will have a context as certain as the grave.
Max Schreck: Nothing can be as certain as the grave. I don't think, Murnau, who needs films or you directors any longer?
F.W. Murnau: Is the camera loaded?