Wednesday, February 10, 2010


SLAN (2010)

“A guy who is very creepy
and stalks girls. This guy
might also masturbate in
your home and eat your
food. Oh no, you better
stay clear of the Creepazoid
over there. He wacks a lot
and drains your fridge."
—Urban Dictionary

It was a dark and stormy night—
In the U-District—over on Brooklyn Avenue.

Friday night—I was at Scarecrow Video.
Talk about Bad Biology—it’s right up my alley.

A typical neo-noir—Night of the Living Dead.
Moiling about in Mudville—here in Seattle.

Scarecrow Video—lovely ratty joint.
You know where that is, don’t you, huh?

A really weird place—full of fucked-up flicks.
Kinda neat—a seedy joint for seedy guyz like me.

Ratty carpets—crummy old staircases.
Creepy little rooms—full of creepy movies.

I should know—I’m a creep dontchaknow?
A real Creepazoid (1987)—from way back when.

Guyz tell me I’m a creep—chicks too.
But I can’t help it—it’s Bad Biology.

Bad Biology (2008)—you know what I mean?
It’s kinda like—Bad Seed (1956)…

That shameless flick—with Nancy Kelly.
“A WOMAN'S SHAME...Out in the Open!!!”

Yeah, I’m talking about Bad Seed, baby—
Really Bad Seed—lots of Bad Biology.

It's kinda like a gift—outta the blue.
It just keeps giving—and giving…

Whether you want it—or not.
Give, give, give—and all Take.

Some guyz—they just can’t help it.
They’re driven by biological excess!!!

They’re doomed by bad glands—
Overactive libidos—that just won’t quit…

Chandler talks about—The Big Sleep.
Mickey Spillane talks about—Kiss Me, Deadly.

Jacques Tourneau—talks about Cat People.
I Walked with a Zombie—Curse of the Demon.

Todd Browning—talks about Freaks.
Poor Olga Baclanova—The Chicken Woman.

Prince Radian—The Stump Man.
What kinda sex life—did he have?

Or Johnny Eck—The Half-Boy?
Zip and Pip—The Pinhead Twins?

Talk about bad biology—bad seed!!!
Jaysus—I guess I’m pretty lucky.

I’m just a normal—Two-Headed Transplant.
They Saved Hitler’s Brain—just for me!!!

Henenlotter talks about—Basket Case.
Plus Brain Damage—and Frankenhooker.

That’s why I hang out—at Scarecrow Video.
You could say—it’s my home away from home.

Not too far from the Neptune—and the Varsity.
Not too far from Guild 45—and The Grand Illusion.

Not too far from—Night of the Living Dead (1968).
The story of my so-called life—my Romero romance.

You see, I’d just got into town—what a fool I was.
At the height of the Viet Nam War—and all that.

Deep Throat and Nixon—were still getting it on.
In the parking lot downstairs—at the Watergate Motel.

Talk about Zombies of the Stratosphere (1952)!!!
Talk about Radar Men from the Moon (1953)!!!

Talk about Roy Bancroft—and Gangster Planet!!!
Talk about The Purple Monster Strikes (1945)!!!

What a bummer—for all us Baby Boomer boyz…
Don’t flunk out, baby—or you’ll die in Nam!!!

Naturally I was at the Top of the List—
Until I flipped my wrist—and checked the Box!!!

That’s the story of my life—the Great Pretender.
TPTB had my number—me down my knees…

I fell in love with this guy—a cute young gymnast.
All muscles—and no brains on the UW gym team.

Totally Bad Seed—but I really got off on him.
Who needs IQ—when you’ve got Animal Intelligence?

Plus Bad Seed—it ain’t so bad you know?
Just call me a Dairy Queen—a Creepazoid Boy.

There’s this scene—in Bad Biology, you know?
When skanky, sleazy, snide—cute Anthony Sneed…

Gets this slutty look on his face—so sullen & sexy.
Down and dirty—you know what I mean?

Jennifer—played by Charlee Danielson
Unzips Bad Boy Batz’s—nefarious zipper

And the camera—gazes out at her
From in there—Private Dick POV!!!

Ogling straight outta Hell dontchaknow?
Do we really need a Spoiler Alert, huh?

Have you ever wondered why—
The ancient Greeks put Eyeballs…

Down there on that ugly little—
Troublesome Whatjamajigger?

That Pulp Fiction sick puppy—
Ogling out at Jizzy Jennifer?

I’ll tell you why—it’s Easy!!!
It’s Bad Seed—it’s Bad Biology!!!

Down there—that’s where
The Good, the Bad & the Ugly live.

Down there—that’s where
Slan boyz—got all their brains.

Not upstairs, no way…
Think downstairs—kimosabe!!!

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