The Bellman’s Speech
—for Lewis Carroll
The Bellman bought a large map for the voyage—
Showing the vast unfathonable Sea of Snarke
And the crew were overjoyed when they found—
A map that they could finally understand
It was completely blank with no conventional signs—
No North Poles, Equators, Tropics, Zones or Lines
Other maps had islands, seas and oceans but—
The Bellman’s map was perfectly absolutely blank!!!
The Bellman was charming beyond a doubt—
But all he really wanted to do was tinkle his bell
He was thoughtful & gay but there came a day—
When steering starboard meant hiding in the closet
Rudders twisted & flummoxed in the fo’c’sle—
And their great sailing ship getting totally lost
Perplexed & distressed they traveled due West—
Arriving dismayed with their bags & portmanteaus
On an island of mostly craggy chasms & crags—
Guzzling grog as the Bellman made his speech:
“Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!
We have sailed many months, sailed many weeks
And yet we haven’t caught a glimpse of the Snarke—
Not even a wink or a gimp or a good gander!!!!
What are the unspeakable traits of the Snarke—
Let me count the ways of this Will-o’-the-wisp
The Snarke sleeps in late at least until noon & then—
Takes his time having a morning martini to mend
Usually badly hung-over and slow to jest—
The Snarke hates puns & sighs at parodies
He likes slot-machines & Las Vegas gambling—
Likes to shoot craps with Boojum gangsters
Snarkes have feathers & often fly quite high—
They’ve even got wings & fart up in the sky
Snarkes do all manner of mischief & harm—
That’s why the word Snarke causes such alarm
—for Lewis Carroll
The Bellman bought a large map for the voyage—
Showing the vast unfathonable Sea of Snarke
And the crew were overjoyed when they found—
A map that they could finally understand
It was completely blank with no conventional signs—
No North Poles, Equators, Tropics, Zones or Lines
Other maps had islands, seas and oceans but—
The Bellman’s map was perfectly absolutely blank!!!
The Bellman was charming beyond a doubt—
But all he really wanted to do was tinkle his bell
He was thoughtful & gay but there came a day—
When steering starboard meant hiding in the closet
Rudders twisted & flummoxed in the fo’c’sle—
And their great sailing ship getting totally lost
Perplexed & distressed they traveled due West—
Arriving dismayed with their bags & portmanteaus
On an island of mostly craggy chasms & crags—
Guzzling grog as the Bellman made his speech:
“Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!
We have sailed many months, sailed many weeks
And yet we haven’t caught a glimpse of the Snarke—
Not even a wink or a gimp or a good gander!!!!
What are the unspeakable traits of the Snarke—
Let me count the ways of this Will-o’-the-wisp
The Snarke sleeps in late at least until noon & then—
Takes his time having a morning martini to mend
Usually badly hung-over and slow to jest—
The Snarke hates puns & sighs at parodies
He likes slot-machines & Las Vegas gambling—
Likes to shoot craps with Boojum gangsters
Snarkes have feathers & often fly quite high—
They’ve even got wings & fart up in the sky
Snarkes do all manner of mischief & harm—
That’s why the word Snarke causes such alarm
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