Sunday, August 2, 2009

Hollywood Monster Genius

Lon Chaney, Man-Made Monster (1941)

Lon Chaney Jr—Man-Made Monster

How shocking!!! How schlocking!!!
Betcha didn’t know—I was in the Closet!!!
Just waiting for you—to see me now!!!
My ultimate role—Psychotronic Monster!!!

Lon Chaney—my poor contorted father
Tod Browning’s ticket—to Box Office Bucks
From the Silent movies—to beyond Freaks
Theirs was a Love Story—hard to beat!!!

I owe everything—to Lionel Atwell
The ultimate Mad Scientist—of Hollywood
He got me all charged up—and ready to go
In that electrifying classic—Man-Made Monster!!!

It was my big breakthrough—what Voltage!!!
Me and my sexy sleek—Rubber Man Suit
After the Electric Chair—I got even stronger
I sucked up Electro-Vibes—like a Sponge!!!

The Wolf Man next—the rest is History!!!
I got typecast—as the Universal Horror Queen:
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, House of
Frankenstein, House of Dracula, Son of Dracula

The Ghost of Frankenstein, The Mummy’s Tomb,
The Mummy’s Ghost, The Mummy’s Curse, plus
Inner Sanctum, High Noon, The Indestructible Man,
The Defiant Ones—the whole Hollywood works

I don’t know—I was basically just a dumb hunk
An imposing 6-foot 2-inch 220-pounds of goofy
Boyish helpless adolescence—no wonder the
Baby Boomers got off on my drunken roles

I even played a drunk—in The Alligator People
With Beverly Garland—in love with my Lizard
Altho Evelyn Ankers—who I called “Shankers”
Looked down on my—cornball bourgeois ways

I tried playing it straight—as Count Alucard
With Louise Allbritton—my lovely bride but
As usual I couldn’t help but camp it up so that
Son of Dracula (1943) = pastiche & parody

I’m the only actor—who got to play it all
Wolfman, Frankenstein, Dracula and Mummy
Eventually transgressing and subverting myself
Into Abbott & Costello—revisionist schlock

I was doomed—the first day I showed up at
Lionel Atwell’s laboratory—from then on my life
Of mediocrity and nonentity—switched over to
An electrifying superior Hollywood intelligence!!!

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