To Be or Not To Be

To Be or Not to Be Douchebag

To be a douchebag—
Or not to be a douchebag,
That is the question; whether 'tis nobler in the mind
To suffer the douchebaggery of outrageous fortune,
Or to douche back against a sea of assholes,
And by opposing, end them?

To douche, to douche—
To douche; and by that douching end
The douchebaggery and all the tacky little douches
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be douched.

To douche, to douche—
To sleep, perchance to douche in dreams.
Ay, there's the rub, for in that sleep of douche
What douchey nightmares may come,
When we have shuffled off this douchebag coil,
Must give us pause.

There's no respect—
For a douchebag that makes trouble
Most of his or her long life, for who would
Bear the snark and scorns of time,
The neocon oppressor's wrong, republican contumely,
The pangs of douchebag love, stock market crashes,
The insolence of politicians, and the rip-offs
When the patient bailout the unworthy banks?

When he or she might closet-case be—
A mere lurker in the background of cruel time,
To grunt and sweat a constipated life,
Fearing the dread douchebaggery after death,
The douchebag country from whose birth
No douchebag denizen returns, puzzles the will,
Making us rather bear those douches we have
Than flaunt to others what we know not of?

Thus douchebag conscience—
Makes douchebag cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of free speech
Is slimed over with the pale tint of doubt,
And elections both great and momentous
Get flushed down the toilet of despair,
All in the name of douchebaggery.

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