Thursday, February 26, 2009

Cleaving the Douche


“A gay subtext is
not hinted at and
then withdrawn”
—Colm Tóibín,
Love in a Dark Time


Douchebag Boy—who am I?
Where do—I come from?
Where is it—pray tell I’m going?
But the most—important question
How’d I end up—Douchebag Boy?

It all began—One Stormy Night…
It was snowing—and cold outside
How cold?—colder than a Witch’s Tit!!!
Colder than cold—it was just awful.
Night of The Douchebag Dead!!!

There I was—staying up late
With nothing to do—except read
The usual Trash—Escape from Elba
It’s a fine Literary Blog—perusing it
Much better—than The NYTimes

If I want to know—the True Lies
The Dirt—the Pulp Fiction Truth
The Doucebag Dish—the Snarke
The True Confessions—the Ultimate
Jive—those Unreliable Narrators!!!

Then that’s where—I detour, baby
Into the Slimeball—Digital Depths
Down where—Monsters of the Id
Lurking—Deputizing themselves
Smirky Doucebags—for the Devil!!!

Especially here—Gay Rights Forum
It attracts Dirt—like Flies to Honey
Dirty Doucebags of the World—Unite!!!
And there was—brave little Weezo
Bitching about—Spam Queen Inca…

Incadove—that’s her full name
Although there’s—nothing dove-like
About her smarmy—snarky Mouth
She’s a slimy—Junkyard Watchdog
Her vicious Pussy—has Teeth…

Inca’s bosom buddy—Madame Mad
Flying from Forum—to Forum
Like Margaret Hamilton—the Witch
Elmira Gulch—Wicked Witch of the West
She gets around—on her Broom

So there’s Weezo—like Dorothy
Lost in the Land—of Doucebag Oz
She’s got a pair of—Ruby Slippers
She can click them—Together
But there’s more to it—than that.

There’s always—Fairytale Jive and
Munchkin Tales—Blogosphere Babies!!!
Weezo is complaining—about Incadove
Spamming the Rainbow—ain’t it Awful
Authoress—Doucebag Literature!!!


I be Doucebag Boy—it’s the Truth
I’ve always been one—ask Jbottle
I realize now—Doucebag Lit is okay
There’s ain’t nothing—wrong with it
Some of my best friends=Douchebags

I’ve been called—This and That
By tacky Trolls—Homophobes and
Queer Bashers—Queer Baiters
All the various & sundry—Sharks
And Bottom Fish—of the Internet

Douchebag Lit—did the Trick
Each Day—I was a Born-Again Fag
They made certain of it—the Sexists
The Mormons—The Religious Right
They knew me—Better than Myself?

Spamming here—in Gay Rights
Seems Innocent—compared with
The Poetry Forum—where Spam
Goes for the Jugular—where the
Wicked Witches—Fly by Night

Spawn of Evil—that’s me
Miss Sodom—and Gomorrah
Well, well—Just Shut My Mouth!!!
And here I thought—someday
The Pusillanimous—Pulitzer Prize!!!

Daddy Daddy—Oh so Cruel!!!
With your Smile—and Nazi Drool
Down in the Gutter—Orson Welles
Play me yourt Zither—Harry Lime
Teach me to be—Third Man Slime

Here’s the Secret—of Douchebag Lit
Pretend you’re living—inside a Novel
And everybody else—Characters
Living breathing—Cartoon Creeps
Crummy Kvetching—Thespians

Incadove JakeJoliet—Kidcarter!!!
Klintorius Madupont—MrUtley!!!
Nytempsperdu Srnich—Suckadicbitch!!!
The Hundredth Idiot—Thinking Plague!!!

Douchebag Lit—attracts Writers
Rexroth, Plath—Ginsberg, Bolaño
Writers like to—cat around & schmooze
Groupies clot—Wannabe’s linger
Many get laid—on Library floors

Many end up—Failed Poets
Pushing Lit Crit—to make a living
Doing Horoscopes—for a buck
The Archives—are full of them
Douchebag Lit—Hollywood Confidential

I’m writing this—Douchebag Novel!!!
Thinking of all my lovely Royalties!!!
All those lucrative—Film Contracts!!!
Like Vladimir Nabokov—and LOLITA!!!
I wanna be—RICH and FAMOUS!!!

What shall I call it—my NOVEL?
“A Million Little Douchebags”—James Frey?
“Great Douchebag Expectations”—Dickens?
So many great Titles—so little Time
Excuse me while—I Douche myself…

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