Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dishing Joan Crawford

Son of Mommy Dearest (2009)

Christopher: “There's a liquor store to the right.”
Joan Crawford: “I should've known you'd know where to find the boys and the booze.”

You’ve all heard about it and seen the movie by now. The sad sordid story of Mommy Dearest. You know the one—the tacky memoir of my sister Christina Crawford. The biggest-selling one in the history of American publishing—with more than 50 million copies sold in hardback alone.

Heard about the Mommy Dearest “No Wire Coat Hanger” Treatment? Well, honey, who hasn’t. But what most people don’t know is that—Christina wasn’t the only one to go through Hell in the Closet.

Let me tell you something, baby. It HURT!!! Oh yeah, it HURT BAD!!! It Hurt So BAD—it Hurt GOOD!!! You know what I mean, baby?

That’s how I WANTED it to be—Mommy Dearest spanking me GOOD!!! Oh yeah—O-U-C-H!!! I was Bad Boy—I was a Bad Boy real GOOD!!! I liked it—Oh how Mommy Hurt me so—and Mommy Dearest knew the Truth. She knew it HURT really BAD—and she KNEW I liked it THAT way!!!

Ever since then, baby—I be S/M Queen!!!

All because Mommy Dearest—she understood me. Every weekend—I got spanked real good. My walk-in closet—designed just for ME!!! Lots of heavy-metal SM chains and razor-thin coat hangers!!! My cute little bubble-butt—wanting it all the time!!! Your Love—Will Never Change!!!


All these years later—getting down, baby. Playing Jimmy “Bo” Horne’s “Spank”—getting my girlfriend Cherise to SPANK me all night long. C’mon, get that Strap-on Dildo going, girl!!! Your Love will never Change—Your Love, Your Love is always Right!!!

Cherise be pouty?—My skanky boyfriend Denzel comes over for the Weekend. Him and his boyfriend Tyrone—from the Catfish Lounge, baby!!! They be Bad Boyz—they know how to BE BAD Good!!! Denzel likes the Remix version—all three of us dancing to “Spank Me Harder Remix”!!! You know what I mean?

Denzel and Tyrone—no BAD REVIEWS from those guyz. Their kind of Love—just doesn’t Stop!!! They show up—armed with Ajax and extra wire hangers. For our stylish Special Version—Little Rocky Horror Picture Show!!! Oh Man!!! My Closet gets down—Tasers and Spic ‘n’ Span, baby!!!

Paramount and Christina’s new found Notoriety—they make millions, honey. They start billing me next—as Son of Mommy Dearest!!! I go Camp Classic overnight—Christopher Crawford Esquire!!! TV and Radio proclaiming—"Meet the Biggest CLOSET CASE of them all!"

Mommy Dearest—she’d come home from MGM at night. “Wire hangers!!! What's wire hangers doing in your closet when I told you, Christopher—No wire hangers EVER? I work and work 'till I'm half-dead—and I hear people saying, "She's getting old." And what do I get? A son—who cares about the beautiful clothes I give him... about as much as he cares about me!!!”

“What's wire hangers doing in your closet? Answer me!!! I buy you beautiful things—and you treat them like trashy dishrags. You do!!! Three hundred dollar slacks—on a wire hanger!!! We'll see how many more you’ve got—they're hidden somewhere here in your closet!!! We'll see!!! We'll see!!! Get out of that bed!!!”

“You too Denzel—outta here!!!!. And no more—Tyrone either!!! You know—all three of you know!!! It isn’t right—Your love just isn’t right!!! Your Love!!! Your Love!!! My white trash son—my no-good daughter!!! Get down—on your knees, Christopher!!! We're gonna see—just how much you love wire hangers!!! You've got your closet—full of them!!! Wire hangers, why? Why?”

“Christina, get out of that bed!!! Come see your brother—how Christopher has shamed me!!! Get out of that bed, Christopher—You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood!!! And you don't care if your clothes—get all stretched out!!! Look at this room—it like some two-dollar-a-week furnished room back in Okalahoma City!!! Get down!!! Get down!!! I’m going to—Spank you good, honey!!! Get down, baby—go on get down!!!”

I make the sweep—with my Movie and Book!!! The Golden Raspberry (RAZZIE) Awards—all mine!!! I win all nine—Dis-Honors nominations!!!

My favorite scene gets deleted—the “Runaway Boy” scene. It’s during the filming—of the notorious wire hanger tantrum scene. I run away from home—and Mommy Dearest goes out cruising for me in her car. Her wild beady Eyes—twisting her neck down dark alleys!!! All these classic Cadillac convertibles—cruising up & down Brentwood mansions!!!

It caused a big stir in Hollywood—word got around fast. Pretty soon—I was Hot Stuff!!! Suddenly famous Beverly Hills fag hags—Barbra Streisand and Faye Dunaway were after me!!!

I started spending long weekends—hiding away. Lollygagging around the pool—with James Whale and his cute boyfriends. Over on 788 South Amalfi Drive—there in Pacific Palisades. Oh honey, all those nude young guyz—from UCLA and Stanford!!! Looking for a cute—loose Bride of Frankenstein!!!

Franco Zeffirelli wanted to direct my film—but Christina and I hated his vision of Joan as glamorous Hollywood martyr. She wasn’t Hollywood martyr at all—she made a martyr of us all!!!

I went for the best—Luchino Visconti!!! I wanted Alain Delon—loved him in Purple Noon. Visconti called—decadence and Joan Crawford’s son appealed to him. I flew to Rome—Visconti mentioned The Leopard. The slow and deliberate rhythm and waning—of my mother’s Hollywood career.

Like the noble Fabrizio Corbero, Prince of Salina—her life corresponding to the rise and fall from eminence of an enormously wealthy Italian aristocratic family...

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