Friday, January 30, 2009

Cleaving Schlocky Horror Movies

The Monster of Piedras Blancas (1959)




One of the reasons—why Armando loved
Mexican Horror Flicks—was he was homesick
I suppose it was—what a kid would naturally do
Movies reminded him—of Mexico City back home
All his yard work money—went South of the Border
To support his dear Mother—and five Sisters
Naturally this appealed—to my Prurient Interests
Knowing I was helping—him with his needy Family
While at the same time—helping Needy Me!!!

(“¿Usted quiere mi monstruo grande, hmm? ¿El homosexual del gringo?”)

Another reason why—cute Armando loved Movies
The exquisitely schlocky cheap—Mexican Horror Flicks
Because he identified—with Lewd Ugly Movie Monsters
The Monsters were always—after the cute Young Girls
Usually they got what they wanted—Earth Girls were Easy
Earth Boyz were easy to get too—but that’s another story
All the Monsters ultimately—were Incredibly Phallic!!!
Young Armando was—obsessed about such Matters
I was rather enamored too—by such Phallocentricity!!!

(“¿Usted es una reina de tamaño de gringo no es usted?”)

Not every young man—is so obsessed with it
But Armando was—and it’s certainly easy to see why
Armando was, well—how to put it somewhat politely
He had a severe case of—The Giant Gila Monster
If Godzilla was a Lounge Lizard—Hanging around bars
Then that’s Armando—say sayonara to Tokyo, baby!!!
He had a rough time dating—because of Jurassic Perks
It was just TOO huge and primitive—for most chicks
That’s why he loved Brainiac—Terror was Getting Even
He loved the way the Baron of Terror—got Revenge

(“¡Mire esos pene-pinchers sin cortar inmenso del Monstruo!!! ¡No son ellos realmente somthing!!!!”)

Gawd only knows—how much fear Armando inspired
How many young girls—ran away screaming in horror
Screaming bloody murder—like Movie Scream Queens!!!
It was a real turn-on for him—to Flash his Big Joint
I was a Screamer—back at the Snake Pit Drive In
One look made me Scream—Scream for More!!!
I knew what I wanted—I was a Gym Class Shower Queen
I was a real Screamer—but I Screamed Silently
I was the Silent Type—Don’t Scream Don’t Tell was me
The Bigger the Better—Gimme Beauty and the Beast!!!

(“¡Ah Yuk!!! Adoro la manera que el Monstruo babea por todas partes el lugar. ¡Cague, como mí!!!”)

Armando liked Screamers—Screamers got him off
Whether Scream Queens—in Cheap Mexican Movies
Or Scream Queens—Tied up in his dumpy Trailer
The call girls he picked up—little did they know
The Monster from the Black Lagoon—was a Mexican Stud
I knew of course—the minute I saw him next door
I hired him on the spot—to be my Handy Dandy Man
He was All Hands all right—Big Hands like the Monster
The Monster of Piedras Blancas—my kind of Monster Boy
Ten times worse—then the Black Lagoon Creature
Armando’s huge Lizard—made my blood run cold

(“¡Usted lo quiere FEO hace no usted Gringo Haz de leña!!! ¡Tómelo!!! ¡PRUEBA FEO también, verdín de Gringo!!!!!”)

Armando was six feet—very long and lanky
He looked like—a young skanky Lee Van Cleef
You know the Star of—It Conquered the World (1956)
Handsome Peter Graves—and Beverly Garland
Trying to convince him—the Venusian Monster was Bad
That the evil alien had plans—for World Dominion!!!
I can’t help but think—that certain horror movie villains
Secretly appeal to guyz—certain alien skanky desires
Deep in the heart of Armando—what lurked inside him?

(“Qué una carga de monstruo que fue. Yo todavía tiemblo. ¿Usted no puede esperar otro aprieta, le puede dickface?”)

Armando had a Bad Case—of Mexican Sexploitation
It wasn’t as simple as—I Was a Teenage Werewolf
He wasn’t hung up like—I was a Teenage Frankenstein
There wasn’t any disfiguration—to give it away
It was all down there—ensconced in tight bluejeans
Armando didn’t wear shorts—or a jock strap either
The Monster simply lurked there—stealthy and smart
It was embarrassing for me—it was smarter than me
It had a much higher IQ—than my Gringo Intelligence
Armando’s shrewd lean Mexico City—Piece of Meat
Stretching down the side—of his nice thick Leg
Like a Boa Constrictor—sliding down a Palm Tree

(“Eso es la manera. Consiga la lengua que jode allí arriba, el hombre. ¡Mi asshole necesita un Trabajo bueno de Borde!!!!”)

Where others looked away—I stared helplessly ahead
Where others snickered and smirked—I ogled spastically
Where others shrugged—I hopelessly fainted to the floor
Where others didn’t even notice—I was All Eyeballs Aflame
Where others felt disgusted—I felt even more disgusted
Disgusted after I got it—disgusted for wanting it again
Armando smirked at me—my Gringo Shivering Angst
As I went Spaz—draining his oozing Popocatepetl!!!!

(“Permítanos reloj Brainiac otra vez esta noche. ¡Yo me bajo de en el Barón de Terror!!!”)

Naturally the young male animal—in Armando loved it
It always had eyes out—for wealthy Gringo Fags
Gringo Fags liked his ugly Monster—they liked him
Better than waitresses—at the local Pizza Slut
The McDonald Girl—always gave him a nice wink
But that was all Needless Competition—didn’t need it
I locked the door behind me—got the Tequila out
Made him a stiff drink—popped some popcorn fast
Before long I was feeling him up—on the sofa
His pants were so skin-tight—and hard to get off
I had to pry them off—with a dull can-opener
But The Monster of Piedras Blancas—could be had!!!

(“No sea tímido. Siga y tráguelo. Yo le daré otro un verdadero rápido, puerco de gringo.”)

I just happened to have—a neat Monster Flick
I hadn’t seen before—all ready to enjoy that evening
I’ve got this 50-foot Flatscreen—on my bedroom wall
I got it at Costco for a steal—only $1,000,000!!!!!!
The Monster of Piedras Blancas—was already to go
Armando immediately fell—for cute Jeanne Carmen
The young innocent daughter—of the Lighthouse Keeper
The tall phallic Lighthouse—with its spiral staircase
The moody crashing cliffs—the submerged sexuality
Plus all that moody Phallocentricity—Monster Meat Love
Such a neat Special Effect—Really Sexy Lounge Lizard
Whoever created that butchy “Creature”—had to be Queer!!!
Those huge Veiny Hands—those butchy Lizard Shoulders
Those lovely drooling Lips—Fetish with ripped-off Heads
I dreamed for weeks afterwards—the Monster after me
Crawling up the Spiral Staircase—the lonely Light House
What Horror to be Embraced—by such a Scaly Gill Man!!!

(“¿Cuánto puede tomar usted, cocksucker? ¿Cuántas pintas de mí en usted este verano?”)

The whole town of Piedras Blancas—so nervously abuzz
Forrest Lewis the Cop—Star of The Thing that Couldn’t Die
Along with Les Tremayne—star of The Monolith Monsters
Are all hot and bothered—like Don Sullivan biology student
Star of Teenage Zombies and The Giant Gila Monster
Coming up with the creature’s name—“Diplovertibron”
A ravenous sex-maniac Marine Reptile—on the Loose
Peter Dunn as the Gill Man—Star of Invaders from Mars

(“Usted no tiene interés en mí. Todo usted desea es mi Monstruo de la Laguna Negra.”)

What Armando liked—was the great Monster Suit
He wanted one for Hot Dates—after getting girls loaded
Then he’d spring out of the Closet—and Scare them
Plus he liked the Skinny Dipping scene—Female Nudity!!!
He liked the idea of—Shameless Interspecies Lust
So did I—especially with his young Gill Boy Lizard
It’s easy to overlook schmaltzy—cheap Grade B Movies
But I had a whole stack of them—plus Armando in bed
The movies were so-so—most people would just laugh
But to Armando and me—movies weren’t anticlimactic
Grade-B Monster movie romance—was serious business
Each weekend we’d watch—a couple of movies in bed
I started keeping—a lewd Mexican Horror Movie Diary

(“Tómelo, lo toma. ¡La mierda!!! ¡Aquí venga mi Monstruo de Piedras Blancas!!!!!”)

No comments: