Friday, October 3, 2008

Bullshit Bingo

Bullshit Bingo

—for Charles Bernstein & Ron Silliman

(from Bullshit Bingo: A Teacher’s
Introduction to LangPo Creative
Writing, ed. Dr. Harry Nosepicker,
Poughkeepsie: Nosebleed Press, 2008)


play this game when—
ya gotta teach poetry,
think out-of-the-box with
your dummy students

it’s bullshit bingo—
the more the better,
give ‘em the flimflam,
give ‘em LangPo poesy

give ‘em “synergy"—
"content streamlining,”
then give ‘em a whack
with a big 2 x 4

give ‘em the finger—
but just remember this,
your driving finger is
the longest finger

play know it all—
bigshot fancypants,
if they ask questions,
play hard to get

be a pea in the pod—
fabulate magic realism,
give ‘em the cold shoulder,
but never the big picture

if any of the smart ones—
catch on to your trickery,
just smile and shout—
“bullshit bingo!!!”


be a streaker—
gets their attention fast,
most only have one neuron
and it just doesn’t last

ya gotta be quick—
teachin’ LangPo poesy,
bullshit baffles brains,
be a bullshit master

be a font of bullshit—
someone in the know,
spew the stuff around,
don’t be bashful

everybody’s got one—
a bullshit meter,
be a gamefreak,
create your empire

teaching poetry—
a paid job for fools,
it takes expertise,
to ruin young lives

LangPo is crap—
the more useless
the better, it’s your
job, it’s your life

LangPo is how—
fantasists impress
people, poets fly
Bullshit Airways

LangPo is bullshido—
a martial art based
on ridiculous things,
like play of words

LangPo is sexual—
the muse is a bullseye
bitch, just when a guy
gets his joint copped

a perfect poem=
dropping a turd in the
toilet so it splashes up
and hits your anus


give your students—
a mark of A+ if they
show any talent at
pure bullpuckery

make all tests—
multiple-choice and
full of dontchaknow
badboy bullogna

when all else fails—
be a large powerful
angry nostril-inflamed
mandingo (ving rhames)

if you gotta do—
dante or miss eliot
bulljive your way thru
in a joking manner

always believe—
believe in your LangPo
be a butchy bulliever
believe you can fly

be a bullfrog—
be a pimp for poetry
be extremely studly
be a LangPo gangster

be a camel jockey—
when it’s back to school
let ‘em see shit stains
on your smiley teeth

do it in slow-motion—
when you read poetry
like the bullettime scene
in a matrix parody

play innocent—
when your students
say “that’s a buncha

enliven lame classes—
by standing on your
desk ripping Bullhead
City lawnmower farts

students are zombies—
call ‘em the Feral Undead
or just plain urban dirt
they ain’t perfect

most of the men—
got a lob on always
doing the bullhead in
the showers

bullhead better than—
no head I suppose
just look at them all
paralyzed left-sided


some poems are—
real nose oysters
big boogers with long
gooey trails of snot

some poems are—
like big shnozzolas
they require lots
of patient nose-jobs

some poems are—
sloppy viscous gel-like
encrustations snotty
food source when bored

some poems are—
magical nose goblins
also known as green
and bloody boogers

some poems are—
like nose farts or
rancid resuscitations

some poems are—
like buckets of nose
clams fresh from the
sea, snotty & free

most poems are—
basically eye candy
white boogies that
cash out & go to bed

all poems are—
god’s mystery and
everybody knows
what big noses mean

some poems are—
like private eyes or
private dicks doing
all the dirty work

some poems—
can be embarrassing
like when you’re
caught pickin’ ‘em

some poems—
are like nose bleeds
happening to anime
turned-on males

poems like—
naked Ryoko & Ayaka
giving Tenchi a
nose bleed job…


some LangPo is—
like You Tube turning
you into Audioslave
of the Blogosphere

some LangPo is—
total & complete
nerdy failure like

some LangPo is—
like dude see all
those Youth Troopers
schlepping to god

some LangPo is—
like problem children
spending their life on
trial youth gone wild

some LangPo is—
like Youth Brigade
a great punk band
sank with California

some LangPo is—
townies, hiphoppers,
others skaters, greebos,
goths, youth castes

some LangPo is—
a style of youth
crew hardcore “varsity”
type fonts, straight edge

some LangPo is—
“youth man” you’re too
young to have beer
what’s your name

LangPo needs—
a youth-cool genre
or it’ll kick the
bucket pretty soon

some LangPo is—
like Youthana an
utterly gay Cambodian
cute agrophobe

some LangPo stinks—
it needs to grow up
quick before tomorrow
or get a youthectomy

some LangPo is—
like youtube whiteboy
hey look everybody,
I’m doing the LangPo talk

some LangPo is—
weird stuff it’ll turn
you into a zombie
youtube junkie

some LangPo is—
a perfect youtube moment
like a Kodak moment
usually pointless funny

some LangPo is—
pretentious Youtube
snob video like the
Puerto Rican hairdresser

eating cockroaches—
it wasn’t even funny
then, so low brown
and lame…

some LangPo is—
like the dude who ends
up majoring in

most LangPo is—
useless youtubeage
THT Vid Last NitE??!!

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